A YEAR- A STORY

A YEAR- A STORY

 Should I make this reflection public? I doubt how a personal and intimate musing as this could be of any social benefit! But then I feel that the story needs to be told, because it involves struggles that are too common for ordinary mortals and if we could sit and discuss them, let alone find solutions, then the purpose of this writing is achieved. That’s why I pen these words hoping to find friends who share my temptations and people who can guide me forward. The year that went by had many facets like squares of a dice. Some fell on right numbers. Some tumbled away into waywardness. This is my take on the year that glided past in my life.

The year started on a good note. I went to the lakeside and took some resolutions. Those were the initial days of my work in the hospital and I could learn many new things. I was given the responsibility of the ward and the lives of the patients in it. I did the first C-section, performed the maiden lumbar puncture, gave the first spinal anaesthesia, and learned the art of intubation to name a few. I had the opportunity to join the distance diploma in family medicine from CMC Vellore which was a blessing. There were failures as well. I misdiagnosed a massive pleural effusion and sent the patient home with painkillers. I ignored a splenic rupture; I messed up the management of a child with diarrhoea. Some mistakes were innocuous and some were fatal. But each vignette offered something new and exciting. Just when the clouds of monotony dawned upon me, a patient here, an experience there, would salvage me off to elated moods. Questions of whether it could have been better professionally still linger. But there was learning- less from doing things correctly, more from doing them wrong.

College life offers you a consolation in the multiple relationships and companies we have. But when we come to a place like Ashakiran, you need to work on them. Most of the blunders I committed were in the realm of interpersonal relationships. Some were sins of commission and the rest were sins of omission as they call it. I did not bother when people close to me were suffering. I turned a deaf ear to their needs and was preoccupied with accumulation of personal comfort and recognition. I was too selfish. But some friendships came anyhow. Some got broken because of overindulgence. Old friends who were ‘chums for life’ left for Canada and US. New people from nowhere suddenly climbed up the priority list. There is a thin line between fun and insult, just as there is one between hatred and ignorance. One needs to be very cautious in keeping relationships in their right places. The most heart breaking moments of the year were when bonds ruptured because of pride and misunderstandings.

There was a sea change in the life style this year. Dell laptops, Samsung touchscreens, Sony music players, air travel, Parker pens, Canon cameras- all came in. This I find curiously disturbing. The challenge in missions I thought would be to give up these comforts I enjoyed at home and med school. But I’m embarrassed to find that it had become luxurious than ever before. Well I console myself by the fact ‘ Baap ka paisa hai, looto!!’. This debauchery was only for a while though. Most of the times, it was dirty clothes; insipid food; horrible room and lazy life. At 3 in the afternoon you walk to the mess to see a curry that kills your appetite and you wonder what on earth are you doing here when there is enough to spare in the father’s house? But then life had flaunted its two extreme ends and the decisions to choose a side are waiting to be taken.

Convictions get tested not with people who approve of whatever you say or do. They are strengthened when the crowd doubts the genuineness of your intentions. I was tested by peers, family, colleagues and friends. But then at the end of the day I began asking questions about life and its purpose more often than ever before. The most important things in life are the least thought of. Why do we live the way we do? What drives us each day to get up from bed? Why do people leave their states and countries to go to a remote place devoid an iota of comfort and security? Why should we choose to be poor when there are enough options to make money? Is it wrong to be selfish when the entire world around is that way?

But the answers to all these queries came to me in those tender morning moments when I sat to prepare for the day. In the dim light of my clumsy room, I sit with the little black book from which all Christianity has come. It became my guide and guardian. It challenged in a moment, consoled me in the next; it warned me in a moment, propelled me forward in the next. The old truth that Jesus Christ died for me on the Cross and that I ought to live for Him began to make sense. We live the way we do because He told us to love our neighbour as ourselves and give the naked a coat if you have two. But if I focus on my luxury, I would hardly recognise others’ depravity. It is in obedience to the call received from Him that men and women sacrifice their degrees, riches, ambitions and go to nook and cranny of the world. Well if Christ was selfish He would not have bothered to die for us! Being selfish after being touched by His love is a self-contradiction.

Before an avalanche of remarks mount I would like to clarify that there may be many of my faith who may lead luxurious lives and still be obeying His mandate. It is just my take over the issue. After all it is the matter of our conscience being clear. I thank the year the most because never before I could see my darker and meaner side. It was a mirror that showcased my blotches and scars. All the self-righteousness was washed down the gutter. The other fact was the tenacity of a Divine plan that won’t give up on us come what may. And this filthy self-centred writer is in the process of becoming a saint- holy and righteous. 2012 is a part of that grand plan.